I Wish Someone Had Told Me These Things When I was a Beginning Therapist

…because I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect at the first try…

Since Mother Earth has decided to put us all in time-out for doing too much, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on my identities. I identify professionally as a therapist-in-training, in my final year of my doctoral program. This is an evolving identity, because once I am officially graduated, I would be considered an early career psychologist! In my role as a therapist, I had the opportunity to provide supervision to a wonderful first-year student in my program. Honestly, that was one of the best experiences in my graduate career! The whole supervision experience was uber cool, but beyond that, it allowed me to engage in a bilateral process of supervising while reflecting on my own experiences as a first year. During supervision, I would often reassure my supervisee about their concerns, reminding them about things that in hindsight I wished someone had reminded me of. My supervisee encouraged me to put out this article, because there are just so many things that would have been helpful for us to know when we started in our training. Knowing these things would have saved us so much anxiety, suffering and fruitless strife for perfection!

You are not responsible for your clients’ lives

I remember my very first client I had who was battling a major depressive episode with active suicidal ideation. Before meeting with them, I would spend so much time reviewing my interventions to make sure that they would respond positively, and that I would “save” my client. Looking back at this now, I chuckle and feel quite sorry for myself. Imagine the amount of pressure I was putting on myself! I honestly believed that I was responsible for my client’s life! Because they were actively suicidal, I would worry so much whenever they had to cancel or miss a session. I was terrified of what would happen, or what my supervisors would think, if my client hurt themselves or took their life. What I would have liked to know back then was that I am not responsible for my clients’ lives. Sure, I am responsible for providing an open and supportive space where clients can express their concerns, discuss different treatment options and make progress towards their stated goals. I am responsible for providing services within the scope of my competence. I am not responsible, however, for decisions that clients choose to make as autonomous individuals. This seems so simple and such a no-brainer now, but if I had heard this when I was a first year, my life would have been so much easier. I could only do so much within an hour, over a 12-session treatment course, and it was unfair to expect myself to be responsible for every decision that the client made outside of our therapeutic relationship. Thankfully, I know this now and make it a point to share it with other beginning therapists, especially when there is guilt about how clients respond to treatment.

There is no right way to be a therapist

If I tell y’all that I really thought there was a single right way to be a therapist! I convinced myself that I had to change my entire wardrobe, because my regular clothes and African print jackets wouldn’t cut it for “being” a therapist. I also remember practicing how I would sit in session to make sure that I would appear professional during my sessions. Thankfully, I know better now and have no problem crossing and uncrossing my legs several times during a session. The perception that there is only one way to be a therapist can be quite limiting, as it does not allow early therapists to infuse their own style into therapy. It restricts how much the therapist can show up in an authentic way for the client, all in an effort to fit the mold of what a therapist ought to be. For therapists of color, this notion that professionalism in therapy only looks one way can augment feelings of imposter syndrome. Allowing therapists to show up as themselves and incorporate cultural practices as appropriate could actually improve self-efficacy and confidence in therapy skills!

It’s okay to not enjoy therapy sometimes.

Therapy is just like any other job on earth; sometimes we love it and other times we don’t! There have been days where I dreaded going into session, because I was either too tired, too sleepy or just really over the “therapy thing”. In my beginning years, I was so terrified to admit to my supervisors that I didn’t always enjoy therapy, because I didn’t hear any of my superiors making these comments. I would not have felt as much guilt and shame for not always enjoying my work, if others had also shared their similar experienced and affirmed my feelings. Now, I make it a point to recognize that being a therapist is not my central identity; my central identity is being a human being. As a human being, I am allowed to be tired, therefore I am also allowed to be tired as a therapist. Now, as a supervisor, I try to reiterate this with my mentee, in order to normalize the burnout and fatigue that accompanies our work. Holding space for people to process difficult situations can be tiring too, and I want early therapists to know that it is okay to feel tired and not up to being a therapist! I know my life would have been much easier if someone had told me that in first year!